Thursday, February 17, 2011

You think YOU have a good life?

That's where I'll be getting my locks trimmed and treated from now on. On the reg.

Just saying.

The Universe Strikes Back

Let me explain to you how the Universe works.

You cannot have it all. I for instance, have lovely feet. Bum? Not so much. That's how the Universe keeps you human.

This week is a very good example of the Universe playing with my emotions.

Monday was red and white and wonderful all over. My Boyfriend is better than your boyfriend, so I woke up to find my bike, Lady Marmaduke King George completely transformed with the exact thing I've been wanting for MONTHS! The perfect basket to cart little baby midgets and injured birds around in! He secretly ordered it from beatnikbazaar's online store, and made her promise that if I made any enquiries about purchasing one of these little gems for myself, she would lie through her teeth and swear they were all sold out!

Need a ride? If you weigh less than 2 kg's-hop in!

Tuesday comes after Monday and before 9am even hit, I was a winner!! Gareth Cliff was running a competition on his show that was sort of like a "Fashion Police". You had to call in and tell a story about anyone you knew who had some item of clothing you thought was absolutely terrible.

I had a story I thought was worth telling, so I called in. Miracle above miracles!! I got through!! My story went as follows: "I had an ex who used to wear head-to-toe Ed Hardy. Cap, T-shirt, Underpants etc!" Gareth and team: "Ugh. That is bad." Then there was another caller who told a story about his dad who dresses in greasy t-shirts and ugly shorts. Dude, that is not a story- it is suburban life. Obviously my story was better. Also, I think they really liked the part where I said that the ex looked like a R10 000 disco ball. I was awarded the prize of R5000 in Edgars vouchers!! YEEAA!!

THEN I was savagely attacked by a demonic cat.

THEN the always amazing Miss Lady Lee Ryder over at Lee Jeans spoilt me with some awesome Lee goodies for Valentine's Day which included a pair of cheeky shorts, a hot little denim skirt, skinny jeans AND a boyfriend shirt!


Soon to be on/around my bum area

THEN, I found out that my wonderful manager Brendan from Apollo had  put in a good word for me at Scar Hair and Scar will be hooking me up with beautiful Mermaid locks, cuts and colours AND products to keep my hair shiny and brilliant at all times! WHOA!! How will I be able to manage all that sexiness?? Oh, of course... Brendan can do it.

Good Hair For Bad People

THEN I got booked for an eight day make-up job. My first major job since living in Cape Town. This lifted my spirits monumentally and I feel like probably the most successful person in the whole wide room right now.

THEN I broke the 1000 follower mark on Twitter.

THEN... I broke my toe. And significantly bruised my kneecap.

Now I get to start my job, which is taking place on location, and I've been told will be quite intense and full of running around- with a completely mangled foot.

Thanks Universe. For never letting me get ahead of myself.

Oh, and thanks again for the rad clothes, hair and job! I WIN!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A Hug Life is better than A Thug Life

Thanks to Bouwer Bosch for the catchy title.

Yesterday I was hanging out with The Personal Trainer (TPT). When I said something funny, he threw back his head, let out a guffaw and flung his fist toward my general chest area before stopping mid-air, knuckles facing me. Was he about to punch me in the guts for making a funny?! No, he was waiting for a "fistpump".

Then later, when I was telling The Nash about my win of R5000 in vouchers (yea!) his hand flew into the air in an upward motion, before rapidly propelling toward my head area. Fingers pointing toward the sky, palm facing me. Was he about to slap me for good measure?! No, he was waiting for a "high 5".

This morning when I was introduced to a man I might do some work with, he said "Nice to meet you" before poking his outstretched hand toward my abdominal muscles, hand vertical, palm open. Was he about to poke me in the ribs in a playful yet inappropriate gesture?! No, he was waiting for a "handshake". 

These may seem like common practise to you.You're probably fine with inconvenient high 5's at random intervals. "Oh look, a Mc Donalds. Let's get lunch! High 5!" "Your hair looks rad! High 5!" "I'm going to wee! High 5!"  

You probably kiss strangers hello all the time. Your friend says "Natalie, this is my 97 year old gran, Mildew. Grandma Mildew, this is my friend, Natalie" Mildew comes at you, arms outstretched and plants you a kiss! Right on the lips?!

You probably don't mind this. You are probably fine with it. But me? No sir. For the past 22 years, I have been living a lie. For the past 22 years... I have hated Gratuitous Physical Contact.

Hugs for friends? Love! Kisses for immediate family including only mom, dad and sometime-but-not-as-often sister? Grand.

But high 5's for no apparent reason, kisses for strangers, hugs for people I don't even like? No more.

It all started going downhill in high school. There were about 20 girls in my group of friends, and every morning when we got to school we would hug each other hello. This meant, if you were last to arrive (which I most often was) you had to walk around the circle, hugging a total of 19 girls which included about 17 who you didn't even like! All of whom you had hugged goodbye a mere 18 hours prior?! I quit in Matric.

Why do I hate all this physical contact? I don't. I love physical contact within reason. Because aside from the obvious health risks associated with rubbing your hand/body against a friend/stranger/old person's hand/body....there is also the Awkward Factor.

Ever gone in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek and accidentally given a hug and a kiss in the neck? I have. Ever gone in for a full-on handshake and been given the very tippy-tipps of someones fingertips to shake? I have. Ever gone for a high 5 and been met with a fist-pump resulting in some sort of paper-covers-rock debacle? Me too. How about when you go in for a big old bear hug and you get a one-armer or worse: a "I-can't-let-my-chest-touch-yours-so-I'm-hugging-you-with-both-arms-stretched-to-the-max-and-my-bum-is-stickie-outie"

So as a gift to humanity I have set up a guideline to make physical contact easier for all of us in day-to-day life. You cant thank me later.

Natalie's Guide To Touching Strangers:

Kisses are for: Mom, Dad, Siblings (sometimes), Lovers

Hugs are for: BFF's, BFFE's, GBF's, and long-lost F's, All other Family Members and Family Members of Lovers

Hand shakes are for: All strangers, Colleagues

Waving is for: Enormous groups of people, People you don't like, People who insist on being across the room when you are ready to leave said room.

I'm so glad we could clear that up.

Waves to all of you and kisses to none,


Monday, February 7, 2011

Valentine's Shmalentine's

We're one week away from Valentine's Day and even though I'm not highschool anymore I still find it kind of exciting.

Yes, it's corny. Yes, you should show the person you love, how much you love theme every single day. Yes, it's a commercial day and everything they sell in the shops is hideous... but I like it.

I like the idea of really taking time to find something special for someone. Wheteher it be the cute guy who lives in your building... the best friend you've had a crush on forever but cannot bring yourself to confess to... the love of your life you spend every single day with.

I like gifting and I like making people feel loved.

Shmalentine's Day doesn't have to be filled with ugly red roses, waxy chocolate and strawberry scented hearts. I'm a big fan of small, personal touches and non-corny originality.

I don't care what any of you say- my boyfriend is getting a Shmalentine's gift.

Here are some cute pictures of love that aren't too gag-worthy.

Don't be a cynic. Give a little this Shmalentine's Day.

"All your heart" refers to a certain person for me. I'll go wherever he does.

whoa! THAT'S love.

Love is ALL about make believe. Always stay young. Always believe in it like a kid.

True love is innocent.

I don't think true love ever fades. I think it changes, but it never fades.

Why it's tough to be a Girl MC

Welcome to my new blog! Soon, it will be on my new website, which is currently being designed in New York by my wix Design Pro, Lillibug. Last year I won a competition on where the prize was a professionally designed website by the wix Pro of my choice! So Lillibug is putting the final touches on it and it should be up soon. But enough about me... more about my weekend.

This weekend I was booked by Apollo Artist Agency, who now manage me (yes, I need managing) to be the MC Campus Invasion at Klein Libertas in Stellenbosch.

That's me with my Manager, Brendan Sterley. Look at what a good job he's doing of managing me.
Picture by @slkaye

Now this was not my first MC gig. No ways mister. I've MC'd Oppikoppi 2 years in a row, MK's 5th birthday party, Ramfest Johannesburg, TUKS Rag...I'm an old hat, as they say. Although I'd prefer to be called a "mature hat".

Sadly, MC-ing just doesn't seem to be getting any easier with "maturity". Every time I am asked to MC an event, I immediately respond with an excited "YES!" before spiralling into a mild panic halted only by the intake of a medium-to-large sized alcoholic beverage.

YOU image going on stage in front of 18,000 people (Oppikoppi 2010) with confidence and a smile knowing that absolutely NO ONE is there to see you.

Yes, that's just ONE of the many difficulties of MC-ing. Absolutely NO ONE is there cares who you are. They might not mind having you on stage...well a few of them anyway. They might even watch your show (JIP, MK, DSTV 324, Wednesday nights, 19:30) But they are most certainly not discussing the line up for the weekend, saying "Ok, so Friday night we have to see Taxi Violence on the main stage at 10, oh and we absolutely cannot be late for the MC. You know, Natalie Roos? WHAT?! You haven't seen her MC?! Dude, prepare to have your mind blown! She MC's the heck out of a festival! Man, I love that chick! I have all her MC-gigs on DVD at home. You have to see this girl!"

No, it's more like "Oh, the band just finished. We have 15 minutes to go do other stuff while that little girl runs around the stage trying to get us to scream and whistle. Who is that anyway? Oh wait! T-shirts! YEEEAAAHHH!"

I think MC-gigs are easier for guys. Guys can go on stage, point to a guy in the audience, call him a douche, and everyone laughs. He can swear at the crowd, and everyone laughs. He can tell everyone he just vomited backstage with 3 rock stars and people cheer! Guys are funny. Even when they're not.

And then...then there are guys who actually are funny! Imagine how easy they have it. Take my friend Snoddie for example. The man is a comical genius. He was born of comedian genes. He's a ginger for pete sake!

Look at the man! HILARIOUS!

Girls just cannot do that. I like to swear at people in the audience sometimes. But only in extreme cases. Once, there was a guy in the front row, shouting "BOOO! BOOOO! BOOOOOOOO!" over and over. Eventually I said "This guy in the front row, f*$%^ you! You are a @&(*(#*$&@& !! Everyone, have a look at this boy with the afro and the red shirt. Now, steal his booze and kick him." Later, he apologized.

Because, when it comes to MC-ing, if you can't be a buy, and you can't be funny...the main strength you really have, is the mic. No matter what the people in the crowd shout at you, whether it be "Boo!" "Get off the stage!" or "We want TAXI!", having the Power Of The Mic means that you can point and laugh at them, and get at least a few others to do it with you.

So, as long as I have the mic, I'll be fine.... A few t-shirts can't hurt either.