Thursday, March 31, 2011

Its here! Its here! My NoMu Poster is here!

A new month, the possibility of a new life.

Imagine this:

A life of eating and drinking for free all over Cape Town. Breakfasts and dinners and #realbeer and shooters. A life of guest lists for you and your friends at your favourite club. VIP at gigs and "meet the band". Having your hair done by a top hairstylist, and your bum in winter's hottest denim trends. Of sleeping in a 5-star Trailer Park and being driven around by a chauffeur. Of riding your vintage bicycle with nothing but joy and and a Steph Weiss in your wicker basket. Your feet in Brazil's favourite sandals and your eyes a-sparkle. Reading about local bands while drinking delicious coffee made in the comfort of your very own home.

This could be a reality!

How to enter:

1. Get to Engen Oranjezicht

2. Take a picture of yourself with my NoMu poster

3. Tweet the picture and @NatalieRoos me OR email it to:

4. Use my hashtag: #CHEETAHblood

5. Win

REMEMBER! Be funny. And be original. But if you can't be funny or original, be persistent.

IF YOU DON"T LIVE IN CAPE TOWN (shame) you CAN still win

Here's how:

1. Take a picture of yourself doing your best version of my NoMu poster. Grab your pet cheetah, don a mermaid wig, and get snapping. 

Email it to me at:

May the best man/woman/child/cheetah WIN!


Say Goodbey To Your Childhood

Remember waking up early on a Saturday morning, grabbing a ginormous bowl of cerial, a blanket, and settling onto the couch for a morning of cartoons? Remember the branded sunglasses, the CD's, the Market Day's? Remember the Jenna's, the Candice's (now Cahndeece), the Josh's?

I'm talking about your childhood here! Your memories of being able to run around with reckless abandon (as long as it was within your parent's periff) and eat as many carbs as you could fit into your body. Of getting excited about things like Red Nose Day, Reggie's Rush, and Dunk. I'm talking about the Power Edition.

I am referring, friend, to KTV.

I grew up watching KTV. And unless you are positively geriatric, so did you.

In fact, I actually grew up ON KTV... Between the ages of 15 and 21 I spent a lot of my weekends and afternoons at Mnet, in the KTV studios with people such as Roxy Burger, Retti Ramaphekela, Darren Stuwig and Lureshan Naidoo...

KTV afforded me interviews with International Bands like Simple Plan, Evanessence and Fall Out Boy...before I was even 18! Trips around South Africa: bungee jumping off Bloukrans, Shark Cage Diving, Elephant Riding...and a nice little paycheck from the time I could go to a PG16 movie.

But all good things must fly out the window, as they say. And this weekend, KTV is going live for the last time. Ever.

Tune in at 8am to say goodbye to your youth. Goodbey to cartoons drawn by Americans.  Goodbye to South African kids making TV. And hello to a future of cartoons drawn by Japanese people and technology. Hello to cartoons that involve real human Billy-Rae Cyrus spawn. Hello to old age.

Goodbye KTV. You'll be missed. Thanks for The Rainbow Song.

KTV is trending on Twidder: #KTVforeveryoung
What are your best KTV memories?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

WIN! This rad dress from SAMSARA

SAMSARA is a Cape Town brand that recycles, while making fashion! Samsara designer, Simone, uses vintage mens shirts to make her beautiful shirt dresses! So basically, she's saving the planet, and saving our asses. Good girl!

Have a look at this bad boy:

I Want To Be On You!!- Shirt Dress
Samsara is available at MILK on Long Street and I'm most definitely stocking up on a few for winter. Think: tights, boots, and scarves with one of these Samsara gems.

GOOD NEWS! You can have this baby all over your very own body! All you have to do is:

Write a detailed, 5000 word essay on "Why I Need The SAMSARA Dress". Then, get it published in a top fashion glossy. Also, start a fire in your neighbour's garden, and send me a pic. Then Tweet all those things and @ me.


All you really have to do is:

"Like" Samsara Clothing on Facebook, and Tweet the link to this competition (remember to @ me).

Competition closes on 7 April.

TAILSOFAMERMAID goes viral. (Not quite)

Here at Tailsofamermaid, we (I) work really hard (not really) at getting our faces (mine) into the media (not). We tastefully bombard all the "right people" in order to get our names (Natalie Roos) on the lips of the masses (in the back of their minds).

Look what we have achieved:

This week our MD (only contributor) Natalie Roos will be available for your viewing pleasure on three different TV shows across four channels! She is really quite tired.

Tonight, choose between MK (DSTV channel 324) or KykNet (also on your TV guide) at 19:30 to see Natalie (me) on JIP. A celeb gossip show that features celeb gossip. 

On Thursday night Natalie (I) will be filling in for Elma Smit on Studio 1 on MK as Elma tries to survive a monsoon! Watch the show Live! at 19:30. Haezer and A King will be our studio guests, and between us, things could get quite sexy.

On Saturday morning, wake up bright and early to pay tribute to your childhood. KTV goes Live! at 8am for the very last time and all of your favourite KTV Presenters from yesteryear (well, most) will be gathered together to sing that theme song one last time.

Also, check this out:

Look at that. Look!   
Thanks to @DieOranje_Skaap for Tweeting me the link. Also, check out how sexy @BouwerBosch looks?

So, basically... don't leave your TV for the next 4 days. OK?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Make Up Lessons For You Everyone!

Whenever I do any one's make up, I get this from them "Aw, I wish I could have you at my house all the time. You could live in my kitchen cupboard like that old lady in that Fatti's and Moni's ad and do my make up every morning, hahaha." I of course, laugh like its the first time I've ever heard that. "Hahaha" I say, "You can have me live with you full time... for a price." More laughter.

But the truth is, you can't. I'm sorry I got your hopes up. But I am never coming to live in your kitchen cupboard so I can do your make up every morning.

What I can offer you however, is a personal make up lesson. Everybody say "yay"!

Your make up before my lesson

Here's what I can offer you.

A make up lesson where I teach you:
The colours that work for you & your complexion.
How to do a natural look.
How to do an evening look.
How to apply trends to your own face & look.
Fool proof smokey eye!
How to accentuate your best features.
How to camouflage problem areas or features.

There are two ways we can do this:

Option 1:

One-on-one lesson where I teach you everything you need to know and I do your make-up (so you can look saxy for a night out). All in the comfort of your own home.

This can happen if you have R400 and live live in the Cape Town area.

Option 2:

A group lesson with a minimum of 10 people. Think Tupperware Party for our generation. No wait, don't. Think Bachelorette's Party without oily males dancing their crotch all up in your bizznizz. OR think: Rad evening with a bunch of girl friends being girly.

This can happen if you and 10 friends each have R190 and live in the Cape Town area.

Sound good? Mail me for details or bookings on and look like this:

You too can do make up like this! With my help...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Behind The Scenes at my NoMu Shoot

You may have wept tears of joy when you read about my NoMu Poster Competition here. You may even have already run out to Engen to enter. But no my friends, the poster is not yet up. You'll have to wait till April to don your cheetah suit or mermaid wig and photograph yourself in front of the poster (numerous times).

Here's a little "behind the scenes" look at what went down.

It all started with a brief regarding a "cheetah cub" at the Spier Cheetah Sanctuary. After a quick meeting with Rob Miller (@panascape) it was decided that dressing as Jane in leopard print would not in fact be in bad taste at all.

And so it was that I arrived a Scar to have Taryn turn me into Jane. Hairpieces, make-up, leopard print- in a flurry of brushes and patterns I was ready for my close-up. Ready to get cuddly with a baby cheetah. And ready to get my Jane on.

As soon as I saw the adorable little cheetah cub I knew something was up. First of all, the baby was a giant. Probably the biggest cheetah cub the world had ever seen. Secondly, he was 8 and a half years old. That's a little old for a cub, surely?

Never mind. I soldiered on. My nerves did a little jingle when the Sanctuary staff mentioned that wearing leopard print might not have been the very best idea. They simply rolled their eyes when I asked, in a slightly panicked voice "Does he think I'm his food, or his girlfriend?"

There he is. With his handler. He's very low-key about his famousness.

Turns out he didn't think I was either. Joseph (my cheetah and co-star) was very professional. Apparently he doesn't eat live creatures, and doesn't date inter-species either.

Keep both your eyes out from the 1st of April and enter at Engen Oranjezicht OR online.

The Location
Rob and I setting up before Joseph steps on set.

My body language reads: Not Unafraid
Cheetah on a lead. That's power.

HUGE Thank You's to Scar for turning my hair from Plain Jane JANE.

Flamjangled - Without Pictures

The Flamjangled Tea Party

Flamjangled. This was undoubtedly one of the absolute best festivals I have ever been to. The location is ideal: just 20 minutes out of Cape Town. The setting is rad, with lots of authentic Gypsy stalls and stands, a dam to swim in and a huge circus-type shade cloth providing protection from the flaming sun. Lush green grass to lie in, giant eggs to climb in, a door that leads to nothing, white picket fences around the bar area... It all adds to the "mad hatter" kind of vibe. Which, by the way, is phenomenal. With everybody dressing up and being hippies and all, your fellow festival-goer is friendly and because the festival is still relatively small, the food and drink stalls have minimal queues.

The food and beverage variety was rather limited, yet fantastic. Pizza's, crepes and shwarmas- simple and tasty food choices. To drink you could choose from your staple beers, ciders etc... and then you had the delicious Bos Tea caravan. Bos does a remarkably delicious cocktail that comprises of apple ice tea, rose syrup, some other stuff, a bit of alcohol, a few drops of something and a bunch of coriander. I had about 17. They were delicious.

The music, ah the music! Imagine The Notebook Fairground Music (I know the genre must have an official name, but this is my only reference), Mr Cat & The Jackal, Jack Mantis Band, The Dixie Swingers... and a  really cool band that sounded like Russian Circus people singing about murder (anyone know who I'm talking about?). This was your main stage.

I actually really enjoyed being at a festival that I hadn't gone to specifically for the music. Ramfest, Oppikoppi, Synergy... These are my music festivals, and I love them... But being able to just chill, swim, party and melt into the earth without a schedule for a weekend was really refreshing.

Nevertheless, the music got me moving. Tapping my foot. And even...dancing! After finding @beatnikbazaar (finally) and trying my hardest not to, I could no longer hold back... and I danced. People fainted. Fairies lost their wings. It rained  in  a desert somewhere. But I kept on dancing. Till I could dance no more.

After that closed, another tent- marked by a giant flashing question mark...and pointed out by a giant flashing arrow- opened up. Toby2Shoes...and other dj's that I don't know the names of played late into the night as Nash and I frolicked in the grass. Inside this tent there was a giant shower stall, some mirror walls and a few other things designed specifically to blow your mind. Mine was blown enough simply by the grass we were chilling in.

At around 3,30am Nash and I decided to make our way to bed. Along the way we stopped to have a little hang about in a hammock that was conveniently available. Two people in one hammock may not have been the best idea, and while we were wriggling around, trying to squish both bodies in, we heard an ominous tearing sound. Between fits of giggles Nash whispered "Don't speak loudly, or it'll break." At that exact moment, the hammock decided to spit us both out. Expelling us onto the ground. We were laughing so hard that it was difficult to explain to the passers-by who had rushed to our aid that we were going to survive.

We had decided not to take a tent...or change of clothes...or toothbrushes to Falmjangeld. (Basically we had a car and a cooler box) So we put the back seats down, threw down a few blankets, and slept in the boot of Nash's car.

Leaving Flamjangled early on Sunday morning (we had toothbrushes, remember?) I felt happy. And well rested. Turns out a car boot is infinitely more comfortable than a blow-up (blow-down) mattress.

Next year I am dressing up to the MAX! There were some incredible outfits this year, including Bo Peep and her sheep, a couple of burlesque dancers, and an elephant! Not sure what I'm going as yet, but I am going. That's for sure. And so should you.

*This post contains no pictures because I have lost my camera. The third one in three years*

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Natalie's Beauty Tips and Tricks

You might not know this, but I am quite the girly girl. (I know, it comes as a shock) I have thousands of rands worth of make-up -literally- and I love nothing more than having my hair done, getting a massage/mani/pedi.... In fact, I am a wealth of knowledge in the beauty field.

Here are a few Tips Of The Trade I'd like to pass on to you.

(If you're a guy, sorry. And here. That should keep you busy)

1. Wet wipes are your friends.

Expensive beauty products aside, the humble Wet Wipe can be a life saver. Try get ones without alcohol (alcohol tend to dry out your skin- think back to your last hangover), and keep them with you at all times. They remove make-up, moisturize and smell like a baby.

2. The Smokey Eye is here to stay.

It's a great evening look and can be as heavy or as light as you feel comfortable with. Update your smokey look by replacing the black, "raccoon" look with the colours of the season.

3. When applying your smokey eye, start with the eyes first.

Finish off the entire look before applying foundation. Apply your eyeshadow, liner and mascara and then use a wet wipe to clean up under the eye. It's a really easy way to keep things tidy and a sneaky little trick to help you get that sexy "wing" look. Just sweep the wet wipe under your eye from the inner corner to the outer corner in a diagonal sweep toward the tip of you eyebrow. Easy.

I'm willing to bet Rihanna's Make-Up Artist uses my eyes-first-then-wet-wipe-technique. Sneaky.

4. With winter around the corner, it's time to stock up on moisture.

For lips, I love 8 Hour Cream- but hate the way it tastes. I replace it with Bepanthen (nipple cream). If it works for nappy rash, it works for chapped lips. It gives great moisture, a sexy shine and has no taste at all.

 5. Wearing- and removing make-up every day can be harmful and drying to your skin.

Especially the very sensitive skin around your eye area. I use a small amount of Bio-Oil on a cotton pad. It removes all traces of make-up while adding moisture to that sensitive skin. Throughout winter I also ad a couple of drops to my bathwater every couple of days to keep my skin soft.

6. I like my foundation to look really natural.

I like to be able to see my skin through it, so I apply a few drops with my fingers onto my cheeks, nose and forehead, then I blend it with a latex wedge. My best trick is to wet the sponge (wedge). It keeps make-up dewy, and helps to blend it to a smooth, natural finish. 

7. My absolute rule is: Always have a good blush.

You might think it's not important, but you are not the expert. I am. And I say: Always have a good blush. It creates contouring on your face to give you gorgeous cheekbones, it finishes off your entire look, and it makes you look like you just got pinched on the bum by a stranger. It really is a key item to have. It you don't like too much colour, invest in a great bronzer. Apply it with a big brush on to you cheekbones, round your hairline and down the sides of your nose. I like to add a little to my eyelids when I'm not in the mood for eyeshadow.

8. Mascara Mascara Mascara.

Invest in one that is an all rounder. Length, volume, and everything else. Zoomlash by MAC in Zoomblack is a great one to go with. Start at the base of your lashes right on your eyelid and wiggle the brush as you pull it through to the tips. Then do it again. I don't wait for the first coat to dry. I just lash it all on there so that the mascara doesn't clump.

9. Plaits will save the day.

I refuse to wash my hair every day. It's such a mission and takes forever. On days that my hair is looking a little worse for wear, but I can't be bothered to wash it, I call upon my trusty braids. They're super easy to do:

Split your hair down the middle (like you would for pigtails). Then take a comb and separate your fringe, pinning the rest of your hair away. Starting from the middle parting, french braid your fringe along the hairline toward your ear, and secure it with a pin. Then do the other side. Now braid the rest of your hair into two plaits. Wrap them around your head and secure them too. Sexy, easy, and saves you from having to use that old "I can't tonight... I have to wash my hair" line.

Not the vibe.

The vibe.

10. Sunscreen the back of your hands.

Someone once told me: You can hide your age on your face, but your hands will give you away. Your hands are always exposed. Keep them suscreened up and make sure you look forever 21.

Would you believe these hands belong to a 25-year-old? Sunscreen ladies.

Friday, March 18, 2011

NoMU is going to make you cry tears of Wonder

They heard about my NoMu prize...
 You miiiiiight have heard about the NoMu Poster competition already? You may have seen bangersandnash's or beatnikbazaars's poster causing quite the stir all up in the interwebs? Or my shameless attempts at winning princess jacalini's bundle of lekkerness?

The competition is simple really: A blogger, a poster, and a Krismis Bag of WONDERTASTICAL prizes for one lucky winner!

The good people of NoMu approached me to do a poster of my own...and lucky for you they did! My prizes are so amazing I've been trying to come up with ways not to give them away.

When it came to putting together this here little prize, I had a good look at my innermost being and said "What would Natalie want?" What for me, would be the ultimate prize? And then I got together every single thing that I so desperately want, put a big golden ribbon on it, and now I'm giving it away. To YOU! I'm very kind that way.

Have a look at this here amazingness:

*WARNING: The levels of extreme and intoxicating awesomeness contained in this prize could result in massive amounts of screaming, hysteria, dizziness, heart palpitations, unexplained crying and an immediate desire to enter*

1 Night Bed & Breakfast in the awesome Grand Daddy Hotel
A tapas table including a cocktail and a bottle of wine for you & 5 friends at Blakes Bar
The World's Most Delicious Eggs Benedict for you and 3 friends at Empire Cafe
A R2000 clothing voucher from Lee Jeans
A "Restyle With Andrew" from Scar Hair
A Food & Beer pairing for you and 9 friends from (my favourite) &Union 
2 Pairs of the most comfortable shoes your feet will ever wear from Havaianas
Guest List for you and 5 friends at Assembly
Guest List for you and 5 friends at any Apollo Artists gig
A subscription to LMG Magazine
A lift home for you AND your car on 1 of your big nights out from 1 For The Road
A Bosch coffee maker worth R9000!
A copy of "Ek kan nie ophou kyk nie" by top SA music photographer Sean Brand from Exclusives
A NoMu hamper

Phew. I'm really quite emotionally drained by all that wondrousness. And aaaaaannnnnndddd.... there are a few more things that might be added to that, already gargantuan prize hamper!!

"Behind the scenes" of the shoot coming soon, along with details on how to enter. For now, I just want you to sit back, and think about what you could do with all these prizes.

Friday, March 11, 2011

40 Days of Giving (a damn)

Lent started on Wednesday and traditionally one gives something up for the 40 days leading up to Easter as a sacrifice and show of good faith. I was thinking about what I could possibly give up... Coffee? Tea? I don't drink either (I know, I know). My BlackBerry? Not only too painful, but also impractical. There is really nothing that I am simultaneously completely addicted too, and able to live without.

Then Roxy Burger (of ktv, and now Survivor SA fame) told me about her Lent project: 40 Days of Zams. In stead of giving something up for 40 days... you just give for 40 days. 40 Days of making sandwiches for the hungry. And the hungry could be anyone! On the first day I gave mine to my Gautrain bus driver. Anyone at all who would appreciate a sandwich, made with love - which is, essentially: everyone.

My local Spar (My Spar, Hout Bay) has agreed to get on board, and for the next 37 days they are giving me a fresh loaf of bread every day! Which means I'll be able to make 8 zaams for hungry people every day!

Hi Simon! Thanks for the bread!

Today I made a bunch of sarmies and took Lady Marmaduke out for a ride to deliver them to anyone who looked like the needed a zaam.

*WARNING: This sandwich may contain traces of nuts and smiles          
Like my basket? Get your own here: beatnikbazaar
Zaam! Get inside his body!
Get involved on Twitter: #40daysofzaams

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Ze Germans vs Ze Russians

I love food. I love it so much, that I spend most of my time talking about it... and the rest of my time thinking about it. I imagine that my thoughts regarding food, must amount to boys thoughts about chests...of the female variety.

Nash loves food as much as I do. How he manages to find time to think about chests as well (he's a guy??) is something I find quite impressive.

We spend a LOT of time talking about food, eating food, preparing food... In fact, I can bring food into pretty much any conversation. "Funerals? Why yes, they do have good little sandwiches. Speaking of many is too many? Crying makes me hungry." See?

So naturally, whenever the subject of Ramfest came up- and it came up often...especially in the weeks leading up to last weekend- the subject got round to food. Specifically, what Nash called the "russians".

I didn't go to last years Ramfest, but I have heard a LOT about it from Nash and Stormin. I heard about the river, the bands, and... The Russians. "Last year, Stormin and I ate no less than SEVEN russians EACH! We kept going back to the dude at the russian stand and he thought we were nuts!"

Aaaah...what a story. The only part of this story that I have never liked, is the part about the "russians". I was quite disappointed, that someone with a palate so similar to mine, could lower his standards so far as to consume SEVEN russians.

Russians bring back (bad) memories of high school. Of boys standing around the quad, with deep fried, thick, pink polony-looking sausages covered in tomato, mayo and bbq sauce. Dripping down their hands and onto their shoes. I actually banned my high school boyfriend from eating them cause I just couldn't stand the smell! After ingesting a mere one, the ingestor (why yes, I did make that word up, thank you for asking) reeks of russia for a good few hours!

The mysterious part about Nash's russian fixation (no reference to Rick's please) was how a sophisticated little Southern Suburs boy would even have known what a russian was?? I highly doubt the mom's at SACS were handing their "little gentlemen" R7 in the mornings for their lunch time treat of deep-fried pink processed meat?

It all cleared up for me, when finally, not long after our arrival at Ramfest Nash pointed to a food stall with great excitement and said "There! That's the russians guy!"

Standing there, in all his glory, was a man selling sweet, tender, delicious-looking... German Bockwursts.

The differences between a Russian and a Bockwurst are few, but they are big. Here's a breakdown:

The Bockwurst vs The Russian

100% pure German Engineering

No sir, that's not heartburn, it is a heart attack

Bockwursts are made by genuine German butchers who wear butcher hats and are 6 foot tall in authentic butcheries in Germany
Russians are made in Pretoria

Bockwursts are made from delicious fat little porks that roam free and are seasoned with rainbows
Russians are made from dead drug dealers

Bockwursts cost R25 each
Russians cost R7 and...and that includes chips

Bockwursts give you a feeling of pleasure and satisfaction in your belly
Russians give you a feeling of heartburn

Bockwursts are served with sauerkraut, red cabbage and soft rolls
Russians are served with cholesterol and russian breath

After laughing about the whole incident and having about two (to four) Bockwursts each...we were lazing about on the lawn in front of the German's stand when Nash said "You can tell these guys are Russian...look at their teeth." upon which I replied, "Yes, they are obviously Russian. Except of course that they are...German."

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

RAMfest... The Lessons I Learned

By Thursday night I couldn't sleep. A combination of heat and extreme excitement were keeping me awake. As the sun came up on Friday morning I was pretty much ready to walk to Ramfest. Thankfully Nash had taken Friday off, so we loaded up the car with the essentials- and I mean "essentials"- nice and early, and set off on another weekend of adventure. No silly luxuries like "soap" and "food" were part of our baggage... we have managed to get Festival Packing down to a fine art...

The key to Festval Packing is to never, ever undergo Festival Unpacking. When Nash got back from Up The Creek, he just didn't unpack his car. Which worked out wonerfully, because by the time Ramfest came around, we could pretty much just throw our clothes on the back seat and go!

Here's what we were packing:

*Please note that this list has been finely tuned for maximum levels of fun, comfort, and randomness*

A case of Windhoek (for Nash) and a 6 pack of Black Label (for me)
2 bottles of vodka
3 bottles of fruit juice
1 bottle of Jack
16 litres of Tiger Blood
5 litres of water (for teeth brushing purposes)

1 x Havaianas Gazebo
6 x Giant Havaianas Flip Flops
Cooler box filled with ice

Tent (minus the tent pegs)
Blow-up matress (minus the ability to stay blown-up)
1 x pillow
2x blankets

Juice bottles
Permanent Marker
Plain white sticker labels
6 x towels

2 pairs of shoes (1 for day, 1 for night)
Not nearly enough clothes to ensure that we always looked clean

Upon our arrival we immediately realised that we were going to be uncomfortably hot for most to all of the weekend. It was boiling and I couldn't have any kind of intellegent conversation due to the fact that my mind was constantly occupied with thoughts of finding shelter from the sun. (What do you mean "intoxication"?)

I was like a fugitive...the sun, an angry cop, hot on my trail.

As soon as we had set up our tent, securing one corner with the one and only tent peg we had(tent pegs, I'll have you know, are less essential than they seem) , the wind picked up, and dust rose from the ground to lodge itself firmly onto our upper lips. Adorned with dust tache's, we made our way down to the river with awesome inflatable flip flops around our shoulders, like backpacks of sheer empty awesomeness. I soon realised that having a giant inflatable shoe on your back at a festival, has the same kins of effect that having a tiny baby cat has in the queue at a grocery store. People were loving it!

Mere minutes after submerging, I managed to injure my already mangled right foot. You know, the one with the broken toe? Not one easily defeated, my mangled foot and I soldiered on and we all made our way to the main stage and bar.

Frinight (we have talked about this before-why say FriDAY NIGHT? It's silly) started off with me NOT enjoying Blk Jks. If everyone around you is loving them, raving about them, can't stop talking about them... and you have been too afraid to speak out, now is your chance. Get up, stand on your desk/chair/boyfriend and shout it out: "BLK JKS ARE A SHITTY BAND THAT SOUND LIKE THEY HAVE NEVER PLAYED TOGETHER BEFORE EVER AND EVEN IF THEY DO LOOK VERY COOL AND PHOTOGRAPH WELL THEY ARE STILL AN ABOMONATION UPON MY EARDRUMS!!!"

Feel better? Thank me later.

Frinight Highlights:
Ashtray Electric on the other hand... I've never enjoyed them more. On a massive stage with the wind in Andre's hair and eighties scenes flashing behind them on an enormous screen. They looked like a live music video performing right in front of my very own eyes. Mikey from Zebra& Giraffe telling me what a lovely sight I was after the MK Awards (don't you dare dispute this, Mikey). Rudi Cronje and Alan Shenton at the bar... Alan Shenton jumping over the bar telling the barman "You look busy" before helping us all to a round of drinks. (Never mind that it was about 1:30am and the bar was empty)

Saturday highlights: Nothing. For the first half of the day, everything was absolutely horrendous. Unless you count my hangover, which was magnificent. The way I was feeling, combined with the incredible heat, meant we could do only one thing: drag our blow up (blow down) mattress into the shade, and sleep away our sorrows. So, after a swim in the river that's exactly what we did. I woke up a couple of hours later feeling even worse than I had before the nap. But, the festival must go on. Running into Jannie (@donmulto) GODOFSEX and having him lick my eyeball also helped get a smile out of me.

Isochronous cheered me up immensely and by the time Van Coke Kartel graced the stage I was back in the Festivities zone. PH fat were on at the Electro Pyramid and as I stood back, a safe distance from the madness and observed this so-called "electro scene" I couldn't help thinking "I don't fit in". Which is exactly why I have always loved rock 'n roll. Because I fit in perfectly. Electro has no skinny jeans. No boys looking delicious enough to eat. No bass player looking all cute and shy on the right of the stage. Just sweaty 15 year olds and flat caps and none of my friends. PH fat were rad though, and the crowd absolutely ate them up! Like mother f-ing birds!

I won't say anything about Die Antwoord. I personally am physically exhausted just from debating them, their music, their showmanship and their longevity. I hate them. Now I rest my case.

Things I learned at Ramfest:

1.Never camp next to people who look 17. They are 17. And they act 17. They also speak at a volume above 17. At all hours. And like the nervous habit some people have of saying "um" or "like" whenever their mouth moves too fast for their brain... 17 year olds use curse words. It was like camping next to a Die Antwoord show.

2.When a obviously young boy says: "I don't know how to put up a tent! I've never done it before!" it is not ok to say "That's because you're 12! You haven't had time to learn!!!" He will put on a sulky, hurt face, before uttering through his braces "I'm not 12.........I'm 17".

3.Blow-Up Mattresses are a cruel joke. They were invented by the Gods Of Comfort who laugh and point, high 5-ing each other as we toss and turn in discomfort all night long. If you have one, burn it. You'll sleep better at night.

4.Pacing yourself is key. Frinights are NOT the nights to party until 4am. If you absolutely must loose your mind on Frinight, make sure you do so by around 11pm. That way you'll wake up fresh and ready to party for 24 hours on Saturday.

5.Gringo's tequila should not legally be allowed near/in or around ones mouth area. It is vile. VILE.

5.1 No one likes poor Luca Vincenzo.

6.Desmond and the Tutu's should gig more. Holy Moses they are incredible. Don't tell me their music is made up of simple melodies or that they sound like "they cum frum lundun".... I won't hear you past all my dancing!

7.Ramfest is harder, hotter, dirtier and better catered for than any other festival I've ever done. If this is the quality of festivals we can look forward to in this country's future, Big Concerts might as well burn itself down and use the insurance money to take a Contki tour around Europe. If you ask me.